Today, we are featuring a blog by a guest reader named Lindsey on suicide and her experiences.
I don’t know what you’re struggling with, what has brought you to this point, but I hope you will take a minute to read this..
I know where you’re at, the lowest point you have ever been. I know how you feel, like you are worthless, a burden, like there’s no hope, and that you’d be better off dead. I know what you want to do, you want to take your life. You feel like that’s the only way out, like if you can somehow muster up the courage to end it all, the pain will end. You think that there is solace in death, but there’s not.
Please, before you take that final step, take a minute to read my story.
I was having the best day that I’d had in a long time; I got along with my family, I saw my nephew and my sister that day, I was just so happy! But I had already set the date 3 days prior. I told myself that it wasn’t worth it, one day of happiness couldn’t change a lifetime of depression and self-hatred. I hated everything I had become, everything I had put myself through, I hated how I was such a burden to everyone. Nobody would miss me, they’d all be better off without me. Sound familiar yet? I decided I wasn’t going to make it public on facebook, I wanted to end it all and be successful so I decided I would just post on tumblr. I didn’t have any followers, nobody would even see it. It’s not like anyone cared anyway..
I kissed my nephew goodnight and told him I loved him very much. I said goodnight to my family, acted as if nothing was wrong. I closed the door to my bedroom and grabbed my Gatorade along with the bottle of pills. 98 pills in the bottle along with 2 huge bottles of Z-quil should do the trick! I started crying, I couldn’t stop. I knew it was coming, the decision was made. The posts started coming:
“I just want someone to hold me as I take my last breath.”
“The tears stopped falling, now it’s time…”
3 pills down, only 95 more to go. I lost count around 20, I just kept taking them.
“I took half of my bottle of sleeping pills. Hoping i don’t wake up”
“I can’t wait to not wake up in the morning”
77 pills later.
“Just had the craziest deja vu. Saw myself writing this post. I feel really weird. Euphoric. Death is near”
I didn’t even finish the pills before the feeling of death started creeping up on me. I remember feeling at peace, for once it my life. I was finally happy, for about 10 seconds. That’s when panic set in. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk. What had I done?! I didn’t want to die.
No, no, no; I don’t want to die now. Somebody please help me!
I was screaming on the inside for someone to help me, but I was quickly losing control of my body. I managed to send my sister a text message saying, “help.” It felt like hours had passed by and she wasn’t answering when it had really only been seconds. I slid off the bed and onto the floor. My whole body was numb, I couldn’t feel anything. By the grace of God, I stumbled to her room and collapsed on her bed. I mumbled something about pills and the look of fear and sheer terror on her face is one that I will never forget.
She ran to get my mom, I was almost gone. My mom started yelling and crying, she couldn’t understand why I didn’t talk to her, why did I have to do this, why wasn’t my life worth living?
I was pretty much gone at this point. I kept blacking out, I was staring death in the eye, but I had changed my mind, I wasn’t ready to go.
The ambulance arrived and they asked me simple questions like who the President was. Hell, I didn’t know, how was I supposed to know who the President was? Wasn’t it a guy? Yeah, it was a guy. I think his name was Bama. Bama something. Obama, that’s it!
“How old are you?” I didn’t know. I didn’t know what was happening, what had happened, who was around me or why everybody was so upset.
You see, when you start to die, you can’t remember much of anything relating to how you got there. Imagine the worst “high”, the worst “trip” and being blackout drunk all at once. That’s what dying feels like.
I’m not going to delve much into my recovery today because I’m trying to make a point here: When you think that dying will be an easy way out, you’re wrong. Dying hurts, dying is scary, dying is NOT going to solve your problems.
I want you to imagine how your little sister/brother would react if it were you they found in that state. Imagine how your Mom/Dad would feel if they lost their son/daughter. Or what about your children? You think you’d be helping them out by leaving this earth, but you would just pass the pain and heartache onto them. If it’s okay for you to do it, why can’t they?
Killing yourself is not the answer. There is help out there!
It is an absolute miracle that I am here today, telling you this story. I should be dead. But I’m not. I’m here telling you not to take your life. Please reconsider. I know you don’t want to hear it, but trust me, life gets better. You can move on from your past no matter how much it hurts. There are places you can go, people you can see, numbers you can call.
I want you to do me a favor: take a few deep breaths, contact someone, and rethink your decision. It’s not worth it. Taking your life is never the answer.
Life sucks sometimes, I get it. Sometimes you hurt and sometimes you have bad days, that is okay! What’s not okay is to kill yourself over it. You are worth so much more than what you think.
So, please, reconsider. I want you to be okay. I know you are strong enough to keep fighting!
NOTE: If you or someone you know are suicidal PLEASE call the number below or visit their website. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU!
You can check out Lindsey’s website here.